Stop normalising gender violence

Cases of gender-based violence against women continue to be in the news on a daily basis. With little or no ongoing work to prevent gender-based violence against women and girls and insufficient resources allocated to intervention, women and girls are experiencing violence in many forms, and repeatedly.

A 26-year-old man who met a 14-year-old girl on Instagram in 2022 pleaded guilty to “unlawful sexual intercourse”. He will return to court on September 18 for sentencing.

A 20-year-old man admitted to “injuring his girlfriend and assaulting her with a knife”. He threatened to kill the woman. The news report stated that he “lost his temper” during an argument. He was sentenced to three months for causing harm and five months for assault with a dangerous instrument, and the sentences are to be served concurrently.

These people were not under the impression that what they were doing was right. Certainly, the 26-year-old knew that he was raping the 14-year-old girl as no one under the age of 16 can give consent. The 20-year-old man definitely knew that assaulting his girlfriend with a knife and without a knife was a criminal offence. Why did they act violently?

Were they trying to make a point? Were they trying to assert authority? Did they want to appear dominant? Did they want to have power and control over someone else? What makes violence the go-to when there are ways that we can actually fulfill our needs to communicate, to respect ourselves and be respected, and to take control of our own lives?

Violence, in all of its forms, has been normalised in The Bahamas. Many believe that violence is an appropriate response to a variety of situations. “What did you do to make him do that?” is a victim-blaming question that is often asked of survivors of domestic violence and intimate partner violence. It suggests that there is cause and effect—that person who experienced violence caused it, and that the perpetrator was violent for a reason. Violence, however, is not reasonable. It is not a reasonable response to any situation or event. It is not a reasonable way to express emotion.

Violence has long been regarded by Bahamians as a solution. It is regarded as one of the most foundational tools of parenting. Children are beaten for failing to behave in the ideal manner, getting lower grades in school that parents and guardians want to see, not making the best decisions at all times, going through development (including changes in their bodies), being unable to regulate their emotions at all times, having natural reactions to situations, and crying when they are beaten. There are many other “reasons” that children are beaten. The beatings that children are subjected to vary widely.

Some adults hit children repeatedly with hands. Some adults hit children with objects like shoes and power cords. Some adults pinch and poke children. Some adults punch and kick children. Some adults take children by the neck and throw them against walls. Shout obscenities at their children and threaten to hit them, put them out, take them to the police station to be beaten, or send them to someone else who, presumably, does not have the means to provide for them. Destroy their children’s belongings. Record and publicly share videos of themselves verbally and/or physically assaulting their children.

It is all violence. It is a failure of parents and guardians to effectively communicate with children, regulate their own emotions, deprioritise their egos, and be led by love—not fear or the desire to instill it in others—as they raise their children with the respect and discipline that eschews violence.

People learn violence early. Children are taught, through the actions of adults, that violence is a way to respond to their emotions. Violence is the response when feelings are hurt. Violence is the response when there is a feeling of disrespect. Violence is the response when there is the feeling of embarrassment. Violence is the way to coerce someone into taking a particular action. Violence is the way to instill fear. Violence is the way to assert dominance. This is what we are led to believe when violence, and the fear of violence, form our discipline.

Violence is, in fact, the way of the cowardly, the ignorant, the lazy, the underdeveloped. Violence is a failure to communicate. It is the failure to experience and process emotions. It is the failure to lose and to then move on. Violence is indicative of an incompatibility with humanity which requires us to have experiences that prompt feelings, to then experiences those feelings, and to understand what those feelings mean, even when it means sitting in the discomfort or vulnerability of being seen as human.

When violence is taught, by demonstration, from childhood, what are we to do about the challenges we face as we get older and both our needs and responsibilities change? What can we expect from one another when we are under stress and many factors are completely out of our control? What standard do we currently hold ourselves and one another to, especially as we navigate crises from the devastation of hurricanes and the impact of COVID-19 to difficult relationships and precarious living situations?

Far too many people turn to violence, expecting it to make them feel and appear more powerful. They use it to shut people up. They use it to make people talk. They use it to make money. They use it to make a name for themselves. They use it to send messages. “They” are not always the criminals that comes to mind. “They” are not just the young men on the street. “They” are not just people on the run. “They” are people in high places and in not-so-high places where decisions are made.

Over the past few days, public discussion has centered the horrific text messages, videos, and photos that have been circulating via WhatsApp and other social media platforms. The violence displayed in them is disgusting, terrifying, and gratuitous. The way people are fiends for graphic images, publicly asking for the material to be sent to them, is sickening. It is a clear indication of the way many have been desensitised not only to the idea of violence, but the display of it. How different from the person who inflicts violence is the depraved person who wants to watch it happen?

How can we continue to pretend to be shocked by the rate and extent of murder and other violent crime in The Bahamas, knowing that many people around us teach it, practice it, and delight in it? People who claim to care about various issues related to national development and human rights are laughing about a recent murder and the graphic material circulating. These are signs of people who are peaceful or peace-loving. These are not signs of people who are concerned about the safety or wellbeing of people in The Bahamas.

While this case is discussed, along with the way positions and relationships to people in positions of power protect certain people, no matter what they do, let us not forget the sitting Member of Parliament charged for rape and making death threats. Everyone is not treated equally. Not the violent, and not the violated. Justice, all too often, takes a very long time to come.

Recommendations

1. Join Feminist Book Club this month. We are reading Ayọ̀bámi Adébáyọ̀’s Stay With Me which was shortlisted for the Women’s Prize for fiction. Nigerians Yejide and Akin fell in love in university and got married, decided that polygamy was not for them. After for years of trying, they have not been successful in conceiving. Yejide is doing everything she can, but what is she supposed to do when a new wife for Akin is delivered to their doorstep? The Guardian called it a “bright, big-hearted demonstration of female spirit, as well as the damage done by the boundlessness of male pride”. Join Equality Bahamas and Poinciana Paper Press for Feminist Book Club on Wednesday, September 18 at 6pm EDT. Register at tiny.cc/fbc2024 to receive information on our monthly meetings.

2. The Braxtons. This reality television show following The Braxton family comes four years after the last season of Braxton Family Values aired. In March 2022, Traci Braxton died of esophageal cancer at the age 50. Three episodes in, the first season of this new show starring the Braxton sisters and their mother, Ms E (Evelyn Braxton), focus on their grief alongside their promise to Trina that they would stay close. Sometimes funny, sometimes deeply saddening, the show can be hard to watch, especially for anyone experiencing grief. It can be helpful for people whose loved ones are grieving as it shows some of the different ways that grief can look, how differently people, even in the same family, process grief, and the long-term support that is needed.

Published in The Tribune on August 28, 2024.